Steph Curry Might Actually Be Satan

Think about it. No. Really. Take a sip of your coffee, glance over at the sky, and think about it.

Oh. You probably would like to know what you are thinking about, right? Well, I’d like you to find yourself deep in thought over an idea. One based solely on speculation, bad creative ideas, and vague misunderstandings of religion.

That’s right. It is time to ponder the possibilities of Steph Curry being Satan.

Here is the thing: It all totally makes sense. Especially if you go off the check list of things that are projected to happen in and around the time the evil-doer is meant to return.

To simplify this, let’s discuss what the return of Satan is meant to look like to see if Curry fits the mold.

The beast will have a supernatural and glorious arrival on earth. He will look like God. People on earth will worship him. Most people will be deceived into believing that he is God.

Well, Steph certainly fits here. No mere mortals are hitting spot-up jumpers from 40-feet out.

“Then the angel took the censer, filled it with fire from the altar, and threw it to the earth. And there were noises, thunderings, lightnings, and an earthquake.” Revelation 8:5

Steph scored 33 against the Oklahoma City Thunder on Thursday night. Not a coincidence, in my humble opinion.

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Following those first two things, four more calamities are meant to strike the planet. But here we are, only a few steps in, and it is clear that Steph is on pace to meet the requirements needed to be considered Satan.

Those forthcoming calamities are called “trumpets” in the bible… I think? I’m not entirely sure, but that’s only because I believe going to church doesn’t make you any better of a person than going to Burger King makes you a hamburger.

Naturally, my religious knowledge is weak like LeBron’s jumper this season. An understanding of forgiveness for my lack of accuracy on religious stuff needs to be had and is greatly appreciated.

Trumpet Thing One

“The first angel sounded: And hail and fire followed, mingled with blood, and they were thrown to the earth. And a third of the trees were burned up, and all green grass was burned up.” Revelation 8:7

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It isn’t by happenstance that California was hit by drought and forest fires recently. Think about it.

Trumpet Thing Two

“Then the second angel sounded: And something like a great mountain burning with fire was thrown into the sea, and a third of the sea became blood. And a third of the living creatures in the sea died, and a third of the ships were destroyed.” Revelation 8:8,9

This one is a bit more coded. The fire being thrown into the sea is Steph hitting three-pointers from all over the place. A third of the living creatures that died in sea and a third of the ships destroyed is actually Steph’s unreal play making a third of players in the NBA and a third of the franchises in it irrelevant.

I do think this makes whatever freshman in high school who is awesome our savior, though, right? If true, SCOUT/Rivals/ESPN etc. all best be doing quality work covering grassroots basketball. Mankind’s survival depends on this!

Trumpet Thing Three

“Then the third angel sounded: And a great star fell from heaven, burning like a torch, and it fell on a third of the rivers and on the springs of water. The name of the star is Wormwood. A third of the waters became wormwood, and many men died from the water, because it was made bitter.” Revelation 8:10,11

The great star falling from heaven? That’s LeBron James, naturally. I know it says the name of the star is Wormwood, but language was different back in the day. The author of this specific Revelations entry was likely unaware of how to spell LeBron.

Furthermore, the “many men died from the water, because it was bitter” happens to be what is happening in Cleveland at the moment. James, who is bitter over no longer being the best, has called out his teammates on the regular. Now they’ve become bitter. And, well, eventually they are all going to die.

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Trumpet Thing Four

“Then the fourth angel sounded: And a third of the sun was struck, a third of the moon, and a third of the stars, so that a third of them were darkened. A third of the day did not shine, and likewise the night.” Revelation 8:12

Easy. Does any sane people not watch Steph Curry play basketball? That said, not every human on the planet watches basketball. Maybe a third-ish of them do.

Basically, a third of all those things going dark isn’t meant to be taken literally. More in a figurative sense. More like “Hey, if no one sees it, is it actually there” type of a deal. Since (totally made up) a third of the humans are watching Steph play hoops, then a third of all those things have gone dark… or something.

Listen here — don’t mess with the semantics.

Is Steph Curry Satan?

Maybe. But who cares? If Satan has this wicked of a handle and this sweet of a jumper, then I say let’s embrace him. What’s the worst that can happen?

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